#1. Street Parking
Finding street parking in Venice is tough, but finding parking for a sleigh and eight reindeer? Fahgedditaboutit! And something tells me life in the North Pole has not made Santa the world’s best parallel parker. If, miraculously, old St. Nick manages to find a spot on Pacific to leave his sleigh on the street, he still is going to have to lug all his crap with him to each and every house. Since leaving a bag a gifts in an open sleigh is just asking for a break-in, a whole mess of “kids” would go without “gifts” – and wouldn’t that just ruin the Christmas spirit for everyone? No Bueno, santa… but, here’s what we can offer up to you.
WELO Suggests to Santa: If you are coming to Venice at night to find parking your best bet is to park on any side street east of Pacific and/or in an overnight parking lot. Another approach could be to valet park your sleigh at The Hotel Erwin then simply taxi around to where you need to go. Everything is within a two mile proximity and taxi’ng always your best bet in getting around Venice late night especially if you’re an old white suspicious dude, carrying a bag of “goodies” or “gifts”. You do the math.
Just because he’s a beloved man with a jolly laugh and a cozy red suit does not mean that Mr. Clause is exempt from being a victim of common Venice crime. A bright red sleigh? That thing is begging to be tagged. A reindeer with a nose that glows? You know some dude on a bike is gonna snatch that sh*t right up. Let’s not even think about all the goodies that can be snagged by stealthily rummaging through the big bag ‘o gifts when Santa’s turned the other way. Not to mention, since so many of us Venetians have been victims of (or are worried of being a future victim) of a robbery, most homes are probably pretty well equipped with anti-theft locks, alarms, etc. Good luck getting through that Kris Kringle.
WELO Suggests to Santa: If you are coming to Venice at night and want to avoid getting your sled stolen use a strong U-LOCK and not a normal bike chain. You’ve been forewarned, Santa. This is your biggest threat outside of your reindeer potentially getting yoked. Oh, and lastly if Ms. Claus joins you on this year’s trip, avoid having her walk up and down Speedway Ave or near Oakwood after the hours of 2:00 a.m. See Note 1 above: Park somewhere safe and take a taxi everywhere.
#3. The Fear of Water
Reindeers are afraid of water. Oh wait, they’re not? Nevermind then.
#4. The “Always West of Lincoln Syndrome” Strikes Almost Overnight
Here’s the thing, most of the world is not nearly as cool as Venice. After covering a lot of boring ground (seriously, Paris ain’t got nothin’ on the sandy shores of the Westside) Santa’s probably going to be looking for a break (I’m just assuming he moves Westward when he delivers gifts, that seems most logical). A tired and worn out Santa will go for a quick stop at Intellegentsia to grab some espresso. That’s it. Oh wait, he forget about Abbot’s Pizza, he’ll have to get at least one slice with 3 extra sauces.. He’d love to sit down and eat at Gjelina, but he refuses to eat at restaurants with C’s or below, so that’s a no-go. Maybe just a 10 minute dip in the ocean . . . which may turn into an hour-long surf session. But man is he ever tired after that, so he’ll just grab a quickie beer and burger from Hinano while he regains his energy. Woah, woah, woah, it’s 2am? Burn one down and forget about WEHO. Those kids aren’t getting gifts this year…
WELO Suggests to Santa: If you have a full weekend of fun in Venice then on your drive back home to the North Pole you suddenly experience the “Always West of Lincoln Syndrome” and feel the effects of “Wanting to move to The Westside and do this shit every weekend.” Don’t fight it, It’s pointless. Most Venicians take pride in taxi’ng, biking, or skating around their hood with friends all weekend popping in and out of bars in sandals and tees yelling “This is the greatest place and year EVER”!… Take a breath, rest up, and we’ll see you next year or at the next WELO event. (which hint: is coming soon) For those looking to take the extreme route, put a call into Elly Nesis and he’ll help you find a humble beach abode in no time at all.
#5. Too Much Naughty, Not Enough Nice
Let’s say Santa manages to overcome the lack of parking, the excess of crime, and survives a wild night at Hinanos or Townhouse, he’s still going to have a tough time finding kids (and adults…depending on your belief system) to deliver gifts to. While there are a few good eggs in Venice, chances are most of us have proven ourselves way more naughty than nice this year. From kids sneaking out to hit the skate park or the waves instead of doing their homework to anyone who enters The Brig ever . . . well, let’s just say there’s a lot of opportunities to ruin a good rep living where we do.
But don’t worry kids I’m sure Santa has been tuning into our national news and has already figured out a way to beat the system, and come Christmas morning I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. That or you’ll have a very drunk Santa passed out on your yard with a bong fully loaded ready to rip. Either way it sounds like a win/win.
Welcome to Venice, Santa.