That (THAT?!) was is it, kids– the big night, the red carpet, the ONE award show Glee couldn’t sully with its infectiously marketable brand of socially sensitive karaoke (don’t think for one second they won’t be up for the Outstanding Team ESPY in July). Disappointing, perhaps (yes)– but that’s not to say we didn’t have us some fun (we being myself, my girlfriend, a smattering of friends and a table littered with enough pure, unadulterated calories for twice as many of us).
3:32 – So many talented actors, yet not one of them can convince me they wouldn’t kill their competition’s first born for that trophy. You’re fooling no one! (Especially you, Melissa Leo; you may as well have Hailee Steinfeld’s pelt draped over those boxy shoulders of yours.)
3:34 – Good for Russell Brand, bringing his mum as his +1 instead of Katy Perry. A true gentleman. Plus, less herpes.
3:37 – Speaking of Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit), she’s clearly too young to win. She can’t even spell her last name right, and everyone knows the Jews run Hollywood. Serenity now!
3:45 – In a perfect world, James Franco is backstage with Seth Rogen sparking a cross joint this very moment, a la Pineapple Express.
3:51 – Amy Adams is the Meryl Streep of looking twice her age.
4:09 – Mila Kunis is the very epitome of “you should be seen, not heard.” She’s hot, but one of the all-time most irritating voices, right there.
4:18 – …and early congrats to Kevin Spacey on his special Oscar for not aging over the last 20 years.
4:36 – Today is Tim Gunn’s Super Bowl, so it’s only appropriate he’s getting Roethlisberger-esque urges on the red carpet. Down, boy.
4:41 – The train from Unstoppable looks absolutely stunning on the red carpet tonight. Heard it borrowed that dress from Gabourey Sidibe.
4:43 – Is new Coppertone spokesman Matthew McConaughey not stoned right now? “Negatory.”
4:44 – Warren Beatty & Annette Bening look more and more alike every year. Guess you could call them “doppelbangers.”
4:50 – Not only is Anne Hathaway the youngest host in Oscars history, she’s also the only one who can fit a whole Oscar statue in her mouth.
4:56 – I actually did need to be reminded Reese Witherspoon has an Oscar. (It was for Legally Blonde, right?)
4:57 – My girlfriend’s “list” has jumped from 5 to around 100 in the last half hour. We’re gonna need to put a cap on that thing.
5:01 – Helena Bonham Carter may be nominated for The King’s Speech, but she looks like a black swan who got hit by a car on the red carpet.
5:02 – Speaking of, Natalie Portman doesn’t look like such a Black Swan standing next to Robin Roberts.
5:08 – Justin Timberlake is the Laurence Olivier of having stubble.
5:11 – Salt got an Oscar nomination? (Sound Mixing.) The terrorists win.
5:14 – Me picking short films in Oscar pools is like female coworkers picking games in March Madness brackets. Cutest name, cutest name!
5:18 – Tim Gunn asked Gwyneth Paltrow if she could perform a duet with anyone, who would it be? Jay-Z.
5:19 – What are the odds?! When Gunn asked Jay-Z if he could perform a duet with ANYONE, he totally said Gwyneth Paltrow! They’re kismet!
5:19 – (Chris Martin & Huey Lewis are pissed.)
5:27 – Give it up for Gunn, by the way. The man just came 40 times live on national television and maintained interest throughout.
5:37 – SPOILER ALERT: If King’s Speech doesn’t win Best Picture tonight, I develop a stammer. Then I burn an orphanage to the ground.
5:40 – It breaks my little stoner heart to know Franco isn’t a stoner. This would be easier to watch if I knew he was baked. I mean, Hugh Jackman was on PCP…
5:43 – Mighty thoughtful of the Academy to hire recently available Two and a Half Men writers for this opening banter. Not a good sign.
5:44 – The old lady from Titanic died. Get over it.
5:47 – Goodness, SOMEONE’S never won an Oscar for Art Direction before…
5:57 – Holy shit, that’s KIRK Douglas? Totally thought it was Michael. Can’t wait for his duet with Bob Dylan.
5:57 – Let’s see how many Kirk Douglas jokes I can make before he hands out this award… Fartacus!
5:59 – Helena Bonham Carter’s bringing some serious black magic from her seat right now. Melissa Leo’s countering with F-bombs.
6:03 – For those wondering, Gruffalo refers to Mark Ruffalo later on when he doesn’t win Supporting Actor.
6:05 – Watching Timberlake fart & gag his way through that 90 seconds of crap jokes made his performance in Social Network all the more impressive.
6:07 – Toy Story 3 wins Animated Feature, so everyone at Pixar gets to keep their jobs! (Winning is only satisfactory for those guys.)
6:12 – Now that I think about it, I can’t wait to watch Inception on DVD with Kirk Douglas’ commentary after this crap’s over.
6:14 – Re: Josh Brolin & Javier Bardem in matching white suits: “Dick Tracy called, they want their extras back.”
6:16 – Aaron Sorkin’s the man. Also, he clearly had no idea whatsoever he’d be going home with the Adapted Screenplay Oscar.
6:20 – King’s Speech takes Original Screenplay! Take that, When In Rome!
6:23 – Looking back, let’s give Melissa Leo a hand or accomplishing what Meg Whitman couldn’t: successfully finance a campaign.
6:25 – Did they edit footage of Kirk Douglas’ presentation earlier into the In Memoriam reel yet?
6:26 – I hope Russell Brand one-ups Melissa Leo by putting his balls on Helen Mirren’s chin.
6:28 – Still can’t believe The Town didn’t make the cut for Foreign Film. Entirely too many Bahston accents this year.
6:35 – Christian Bale’s chimney sweep voice is much better/more endearing than his Batman voice.
6:36 – Speaking of Bale, my girlfriend described him the other day as “emanciated.” New favorite adjective pertaining to actors losing weight for roles.
6:42 – The fact that this Disney suit just mentioned the Brooklyn Dodgers without a word about Duke Snider’s passing today is just plain sad.
6:44 – Alexandre Desplat wins Oscar for “Score That Makes My Job Seem Infinitely More Prestigious When Listened To At Work” (King’s Speech).
6:46 – Nowadays, it seems I like Scarlett Johansson most when she’s not talking and only in Lost in Translation.
6:49 – My key to success in Oscar pool thus far: picking Inception for all the sound stuff because “it had cool sounds.”
6:54 – I’ve officially started drinking. Don’t know how this thought didn’t occur to me earlier.
6:56 – Just think, if this was the Grammys, Avatar would still be up for Best Picture. (Next year, as well.)
6:57 – Wolfman wins Best Makeup/Best Wolf. At least it wasn’t a Twilight movie nominated.
6:58 – The guy currently holding the Oscar for Best Makeup has a long white ponytail and mismatching mustache/beard combo. Just saying.
6:59 – This is so bad, if Glee was on right now, I might actually be watching it. (Reruns included.)
7:02 – I got Costume Design wrong in my pool because I forgot to pick one. I forgot to pick one because I don’t care.
7:03 – Speaking of Costume Design, I’m surprised Urban Outfitters didn’t score a nom for all the flannel & earflaps in Winter’s Bone.
7:07 – To level the playing field for Original Song in the future, Stephen Hawking should perform each of the nominees.
7:13 – Kudos to Jake Gyllenhaal, that presentation truly was the best performance of his career. (Yes, even better than Bubble Boy.)
7:15 – Really dropped the ball on Documentary (Short Subject). If I’d known the winner was about ethnic kids, I wouldn’t have thought twice.
7:17 – Congrats to Macy Gray for Live Action Short, one step closer to her EGOT!
7:19 – As if things weren’t bad enough, whoever pulled the trigger on this AutoTune bit without including King’s Speech deserves a pink slip.
7;21 – Am I the only person disappointed it was actually Oprah? I was hoping for Tracy Morgan.
7:21 – Here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: when Oprah reveals SHE IS BANKSY!
7:23 – Whatever. Still no proof Oprah isn’t Bansky.
7:25 – “You get an Oscar! You get an Oscar! You get an Oscar! Mark Wahlberg? Nawt you.”
7:27 – Billy Crystal: PLEASE say you’ll take it from here. Or at least stay on stage twice as long as Kirk Douglas.
7:39 – Drafting a letter to Animal Planet’s programming department: please start airing the Puppy Bowl on Oscar night.
7:41 – At least Franco seems to have completely checked out too. Hathaway didn’t get the memo.
7:45 – Hey Franco, make a joke about how this Oscars seems feels like it’s taking “127 Hours!”
7:47 – Randy Newman is the white Jennifer Hudson.
7:49 – Don’t worry, guys– it gets better: the In Memoriam montage is coming up.
7:56 – Dennis Hopper would’ve flipped out in grand fashion if he’d known Celine Dion was singing him off into the sunset.
7:57 – Heard Halle Berry got her +1 for tonight off Craigslist.
7:59 – Haven’t been this unmoved by the Oscars since ’92, when Marissa Tomei was winning trophies, I was 9 & didn’t like shows “with a bunch of talking.”
8:00 – Corey Haim “tragically” left out of the death reel, thus designating him this year’s Farrah Fawcett.
8:01 – Best part of this Oscars thus far has been the gradual increase of Jack in my Jack & Diets.
8:02 – Not only did Hillary Swank and Josh Brolin wear the same outfit tonight, they also wore the same face.
8:04 – STUNNED Tom Hooper wins Director, but love it. Firth will take Actor, King’s Speech will take top prize. This is happening!
8:07 – Annette Bening gets such dramatic intro music. You’d think she’d want something more passive-aggressive.
8:11 – Better performances than Jesse Eisenberg in Social Network: Paul Giamatti in Barney’s Version, the train in Unstoppable.
8:12 – Rumor has it Jeff Bridges was high during last year’s Oscars. If he isn’t this year, I flat out feel sorry for The Dude.
8:14 – Best Actress: hardest call of the night. Portman & Bening are both phenomenal. Heard Nicole Kidman actually smiles in Rabbit Hole, too.
8:17 – THE JEWS! THE JEWS! Hopefully Natalie won’t mess this up for us by cackling.
8:17 – Speaking of Portman, she’s without a doubt the Michael Jordan of “my list.”
8:19 – Glad to see Darren Aronosky’s coping with his divorce from Rachel Weisz by growing a Freddie Mercury mustache.
8:20 – I felt like Anne Hathaway talked less in Bride Wars.
8:23 – If Jesse Eisenberg somehow wins Best Actor, Aaron Sorkin should punch his ass out and take it for himself. Colin Firth, it’s your time.
8:25 – Lock of the decade proves true and Colin Firth takes Best Actor. Knew I shoulda bet!
8:28 – Like I said, if King’s Speech doesn’t win Best Picture, burning down an orphanage tonight. And now I’m drunk, so I’m kinda serious.
8:31 – Social Network won’t win Best Picture, but it does win “Best Picture About a Guy Whose Dorm Couch I Crashed On In 2004.”
8:31 – (Thanks for the hospitality, Zuckerberg. Wish I’d known you’d be worth a little something, I totally would’ve stayed in touch.)
8:32 – Just say it, Spielberg: King’s Speech. I need to pee.
8:34 – My little brother was just in the FUCKING OSCARS BEST PICTURE MONTAGE! (The highlight of my brief career as a casting associate!)
8:37 – Elated to see King’s Speech take tonight’s top honor. Favorite film in the last 5 years. Devastated Anne Hathaway has to talk more.
8:38 – Considering calling in sick tomorrow to stay home & watch KS. First film to win Best Picture/Director/Actor/Original Screenplay since American Beauty.
8:42 – At least it wasn’t the Glee cast singing the last musical number.
8:43 – (You can tell Melissa Leo wanted nothing more than to sing Cee-Lo’s ‘Fuck You’ at the end there.)
8:44 – That’s it, get me the hell away from this TV. Kirk Douglas must be rolling in his grave.