WELO’s Last Minute Guide to Presidents’ Day

Yes, the holiday may be observed today (for most of you, at least). Yes, it may be half-finished. And yes, you may have work tomorrow, but none of the above give you any excuse to approach this afternoon/evening like a lame duck waiting out his (or her) term.

  • For example, if you head to Hinano’s when you’re done reading this, there’s no reason you can’t get a day’s worth of drinking in by sundown. Besides, you’ll be spending Washingtons & Lincolns instead of Jacksons & Grants, so the lack of remorse should be motivation enough!
  • Our lightest president, James Madison tipped the scales around 100 pounds. It’s a real shame Baby Blues B-B-Q (or Venice, for that matter) wasn’t around in 1809– otherwise, he might’ve moved into the Oval Office at twice the heft.
  • James “the Bachelor” Buchanan may have been our only single commander-in-chief, but regardless of his sexual orientation (still a subject of debate to this day), he would’ve had no problem giving out presidential roses and scooping up phone numbers from ladies & gents alike at The Roosterfish.
  • Aside from famously hating Mondays and loving lasagna, James Garfield was famous for a parlor trick few can perform today in their native language (no, not sing Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ word for word): our 20th president could write in Latin with one hand and Greek with the other… at the same time. Impressive, yes– but we far prefer the thought of ordering in and digging into the Bruschetta Pomodoro e Basilico from C&O while devouring a lamb kabob plate from Gaby’s.
  • Hall Pass won’t hit theaters until this Friday, but you just know Bill Clinton asked Hillary for one this morning. If it were up to us, we’d send Slick Willie to Nikki’s, where he’d have no problem sending rounds to sun-soaked honeys. (After all, he was the Owen Wilson of presidents.)
  • Why deny the obvious? No different from every day since January 20, 2009, when the new guy moved into the White House, chances are George W. Bush is kicked back in a Texas-sized recliner rolling a blow-laced joint with an actual page from our Constitution. (Not to be disrespectful, only because he ran out of Zig Zags and he’d never heard of the Articles of Confederation.) Not that we’d expect him to be so resourceful, but before you start burning blunts wrapped in family heirlooms, you’re probably better off hitting up Kush Medical Club.

(Speaking of W, I “highly” recommend taking a moment and enjoy one of the great presidential moments in cinema history, courtesy of Harold & Kumar 2.)

  • Lastly, for those of you “anti”s out there, don’t forget to paint your face white, hide in a dumpster with a shotgun and plunder your local bank in honor of Dead Presidents Day! (Or if you’re one of those old-timey purists who still believes in paying for movies, drop by Santa Monica institution Vidiots and pick up all your favorite presidential flicks. (We’ve even left a few suggestions below!)

Wag the Dog – Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Willie Nelson. Need I say any more?
Air Force One – Gary Oldman made Kazakhstan cool nearly a decade before Borat.
Dave - What happens when a guy who looks like the president has to become the president? Hilarity, that’s what happens.
Frost/Nixon – Because I had to include something with a little veritas on here…
JFK – Because says “Presidents’ Day” like a Bush-sized bowl and a good old fashioned conspiracy thriller (loosely) based on actual events.
(…and who could possibly ignore) First Daughter – If you’re Tom Cruise, looking to score points with the missus because she’s got you sleeping on the couch (or your hyperbaric egg).

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